It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
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You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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