Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
what day is it and did you see me today?
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Randomize
