Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
I definitely think you should enjoy one last spring break being a sorostitute before you get serious and settle down with price charming. I mean hes not going to be there any way. he can wait a week.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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