just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
