I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
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