while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
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