Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
I checked into jail on foursquare
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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