I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Randomize
