i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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