I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
Randomize
