If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
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