His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
