You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
