Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Randomize
