I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
