girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I pour the whiskey from now on
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
