can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Randomize
