Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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