take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
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