I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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