So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
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