On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
