mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
