I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
