perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Randomize
