I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
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I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
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I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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