Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'll put lettuce on them
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
29 Petty People Reveal The Shallow Reasons They Turned Someone Down
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?