I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
