my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
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