My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
It's never too late to be topless.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Randomize
