The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
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