Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Randomize
