Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Randomize
