You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
