How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
