I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize
