he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Randomize
