i wish starbucks made bloody marys
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
