I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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