Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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