OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
