I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
so would me posting the photos of the cock and coin jar incident be completely out of the question?
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Randomize
