There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Randomize
