I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
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