I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
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