My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
Randomize
