Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
Four minutes until I can fart!
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Randomize
