I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
While she was pissing on the neighbors shrubs, they threatened to call the cops...she mumbled 'don't threaten me with a good time", so to answer your question, yes she was drunk.
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