I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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