I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
