cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
