She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
