hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
honey bunches of taint.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
