Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
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