May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
I think youre just another guy trying to take advantage of a young naive innocent girl
you're not innocent... Once you have taken it in the turd cutter you can't label yourself innocent.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
