He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Randomize
