I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Randomize
