how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
i think i scared a bird with my dick
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I'm getting married
To pizza
It's no shave November. This is our time.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Randomize
