I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
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