I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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