i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Randomize
