Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Randomize
