my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
