A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
